Get Use to Being Horizontal

So like, welcome fellow nOObs. I am a nOOb and this is my journal of how I hope to one day shake this title and rise above the rank of nOOb and become an uber-gamer.

So like this morning I was playing Quake 4 deathmatch for the first time and I was like getting pwned like a nOOb should and everything. All teh other gamers had better weapons and skillz than I did. Yeah, their weapons had like lightning shooting out of them and rockets and stuff and my little rifle was like ratatat-tat, ratatat-tat and before I knew what was what I was like horizontal and the game tells me like I just got pwned by dad10346 but that's okay ya know because like I'm still just a noob and all and it's to be expected to get pwned by someones dad.

So I respawn and figure it's best to start running like a scared little noob to find some place to hide and stuff and figure out what to do next. Ya know, just be alone with my thoughts and all thinking how I'm going to get my first kill. But as I'm running my gun changes to this uber-type weapon and I have no idea how to use it or what it does but I know it's uber because it's big.

So I find a corner alone away from all teh other uber-players and think to myself I should test it out and see what it does so I pull the trigger and next thing ya know I'm horizontal. Yeah, here's a tip for all you nOObs, don't fire an uber weapon into a wall when you're near it.

So I respawn again and teh game tells me I'm tied for 16th place with zero kills. And I'm all like "right on!" cause to be tied with someone means I'm not alone in last and others in the deatmatch game are nOObs like me and so like maybe I have a chance to get a kill or two. Now I run again all scared and stuff and this time some other nOOb is chasing me trying to make me his ***** and I'm like "Noway *****. I'm gonna take you out!" so I turn around and start jumping side to side and I'm like "this is hard for him to hit me, sure, but man I can't hit him for **** either." so I stop jumping and BOOM! my head blows off and I'm like horizontal again.

Man, this game is hard. I knew when I took on the challenge to become an uber-gamer it was going to be a long, hard road but it's my destiny to rise above being a nOOb and so I wiped away my tears and respawned into teh game again. This time I could feel it in my nOOb bones that I was gonna get my first kill. So I run down this narrow hallway and come to this ramp with an arrow and so I step onto it a few feet and it flings me across the arena and I'm like "WHOA HOLY ****!" and then I land and I'm suddenly surrounded by five uber-gamers and yeah I'm horizontal again.

I tell myself "nOOb, if you don't get a kill this time then it's back to the single-player campaign for training" and I don't want that cause like those bots totally pwn me and it's no fun getting pwned by bots. So I run around like a ***** and hold down the trigger of my riffle: ratatat-tat, ratatat-tat, ratatat-tat and then teh game tells ME that I just killed dad10346. I'm like "yeah ***** I pwn you! Take that *****" and the game also tells me that I'm now tied for 15th place. Woot! I just moved up teh ranks to 15 with one kill! So I start running around and I take a couple hits from stray bullets but I'm like not in 16th so I'm tougher or something and can take a hit now so I don't die as easily. So I pick up this sweet uber gun and I start going crazy shooting at anything that moves and I'm running wild and then I fall helplessly to my death. Damn! Where did that pit come from. And then like the game tells me I'm now in 16th place all alone with zero kills. nOObs, just an FYI, if you kill yourself you lose points. Totally not cool.

That was a lot of killing and dying in just three minutes and I need a rest. Phew, I thought I was in shape and all cause like I actually work but man it's exhausting being a nOOb and getting pwned.

Frag out!

Finding A Purpose

So like, yO, welcome back future pwned nOObs. Today, my fiend Steve asked me a good question, he said "like, nOOb, how will you know when you're an uber-gamer?" and I'm like "I don't know. That's a good question." Cause like, I hadn't thought that far ahead and all, I just woke up one day and knew I had to become uber cause like getting pwned all the time totally blows.

And so he got me thinking and then I realized that sure pwning multiplayer deathmatches and all would be cool but that's just a little server and like very few nOObs would know that I totally pwn. So like, I started searching Google, using keywords like "getting pwned" and teh first website I found was about sexual domination. So I'm like "OMGWTF it's gay prOn" and like I couldn't back out fast enough. So like I started over again and I tried Google's suggestion "Getting Owned" and like I found some totally lame media site, so then I tried teh next listing and like OMFG it's that gay prOn site again !!

So like, after that I needed to go do something masculine, to clean my thoughts you know. And so like I went outside and played fetch and stuff with my three tough, male dogs and all. And like we're having a good masculine time when suddenly one dog mounted teh other and started pwning him and I'm like "WTF!" so like I ran back in teh house and left them to their pwn gay prOn.

So I sat back down and started thinking again and like then it hits me, I said "nOOb, what defines a winner?" and I'm like "a tournament, nOOb". And so I Googled "video game tournaments" and eventually I came across QuakeCon and suddenly a light shined on me and like I totally knew what I had to do. I would go to this place in Texas and play against other nOObs and win big money and be known all around teh world as an uber-gamer.

So then I called Steve back and told him my plans, like next year I'm going to QuakeCon to pwn it and he's all like "what's QuakeCon?" and so I told him all about it and he started laughing. He's like "nOOb, you're a nOOb you'll never rise above that, c'mon just give it up now" and I'm like thanks for teh support *****! But it didn't hurt me 'cause deep inside you know, I can feel that I will start pwning nOObs soon and increasing my pwning skills so then I tell Steve "like talking to you is cutting into my training time" and so I hung up on him and went online to start my training and got totally pwned like a nOOb and I mean like never before. I figure it's because I have all this new pressure of becoming like the world champion or something. Yeah, that must have been it. I'll pwn tomorrow for sure.

Frag out!

FPS Training


Like, welcome back nOObs. To be more than like just an uber-gamer, to like be teh best you have to train at things besides playing FPS, you like have to build up stamina to be able to pwn all nOObs all day and night and so to do that today I joined a local gym.

So like when I was signing up, this nOOb asked me my goals and stuff and I was like “to become an uber-gamer, like to totally pwn QuakeCon next year� and he like had no idea what I was talking about, total nOOb I tell ya. So like then after I joined this nOOb handed me off to this other nOOb, some trainer or something, and he like wanted me to do some circuit training program and I was like “nOOb, I got my pwn program, like I'm here to do some FPS training.�

So like then I stepped into the training arena and like to my left were nOObs who were obviously training for Dance Dance Revolution...so gay. And like there were these other nOObs to teh right who were like probably training for Fight Night or some other loser button mashing game that takes like no skillz. And so then I like noticed this total nOOb that was like clearly training for CS cause like he was doing this crouch move with some weight on his shoulders but like doing it while standing in the same spot. So like I took pity on the nOOb and tried to help and I was all like “nOOb, if you want to improve your crouch skillz for CS you gotta move around or like you'll get your head blown off� and he like looked at me all confused and stuff so I knew I had to show him what I meant. So like I put this heavy barbell on my shoulders and like ran forward a few feet and crouched, looked around then strafed to my right and took cover behind a rack of barbells and like looked around some more. So then like I stood up only part way to like not get my head blown off and then ran in reverse and crouched behind some benches and then like I strafed to my left back to the nOOb and was finished. So then I was like “nOOb, that's how you do it, you gotta move around or else some counter terrorist will like drop a grenade on your ass and game over� and he was like “piss off moron.� Whatever, lost cause man, be a nOOb forever see if I care. So like nOObs, here's a tip: 5lbs on the shoulders is like too much weight to start training with try to start with less.

So like then I stepped up to a treadmill and set teh speed to as fast as it would go, like 15 or something. Like, starting with the top speed is better ya know, cause like it builds up stamina right away, like starting out slow is for nOObs ya know. And so like I started jumping side-to-side cause like any nOOb can run around and get a couple frags but to pwn you have to master the side-to-side cause like that's what separates teh nOObs from teh uber-gamers. So like after jumping side-to-side for a while, ya know for like ten seconds or something, I was like pwning the machine until like some nOOb walked by in fatigue pants and I was like in the zone and all and totally thought he was going to frag me and so like it broke my concentration and caused me to land wrong and so like I went flying off teh machine. But that's okay cause like this glass wall was right next to me and broke my fall. And like sure I'll have bruises all over my body, but I heard bruises like make you stronger or something. So it was cool.

So like I got back on and set the speed to 1, cause like my head hurt a lot so I figured I had better go at a nOOb's pace for now. So then like it wasn't long before I was back to my side-to-side training and on a roll and all when like I noticed all teh other nOObs were staring at me cause they were impressed by FPS skills, so like I started jumping higher to really impress. And then like that's when this manager came over and told me to stop what I was doing cause he said I was going to break the machine or something. And I was like "WTF?!? I'm doing my FPS training. Buy better equipment nOOb" and so like he must not have understood how advanced my FPS training was compared to all the other FPS nOObs training around me cause like he unplugged my machine and that like caused me to fall off into the wall again. Totally wasn’t cool. So like nOObs, here's a tip for ya: don't practice jumping side-to-side on a treadmill at speeds higher than 3.

And so like after teh manager unplugged teh treadmill he like told me to leave and not come back until like I could follow his rules or something. So I was like “whateva, I don't care I got my FPS training in and like now I've got stamina� so like now I'm in shape and ready to go back online and start pwning.

Frag out!

RTFM


So liek welcome back fellow nOObs. For the past few days I've been trying to pwn the Q4 single-player campaign and liek it's totally impossible to defeat when you're a nOOb. So liek nOObs, here's a tip for you: god give all. So liek, after I totally pwned those bots I liek felt I was ready to pwn real live nOObs. So online I went.

So liek I jumped right into a Q4 DM game and teh announcer was all liek “Fight!� and liek that's when my adrenaline started to rush and I was liek I had to find some nOOb to make my ***** soon or liek my head would explode. So liek teh first nOOb I found I unload all my ammo and liek he was still standing so I was liek “WTF?!? has he liek got some special armor that I don't know about or something? I gotta find it.� So liek I ran around for a while but found no special armor so liek I picked up a new gun and started unloading all its ammo on another nOOb and he was liek still standing and liek I KNEW I hit him several times. WTF?!?

So liek that nOOb I just unloaded my ammo onto told me “liek I'm on your team you dumbass!� and I was liek “dumbass?!? liek, I'm a nOOb. Liek whaddya expect?!?� And so liek then I started thinking “nOOb, what did he mean by 'team'?� So then liek I went into a corner to be a lone with my thoughts to liek read teh fricking manual, but some nOOb must have found me cause liek I was horizontal when I finished reading. (So liek nOOBs, I'm starting to think there's liek, no safe corners to be alone with your thoughts.) So liek, anyway, sure as I'm a nOOb there's this mode called Team Deathmatch and I was liek “Team? I don't want no nOObs to help me pwn. liek I'm teh lone gunman or something, liek I can't be teh uber-gamer if I don't be doin it by myself.�

So liek, as soon as I respawned I started unloading on this nOOb and he's liek “I just told you DUMBASS I'm on your team!!!!� So liek now he's mad or something and so I'm liek whateva, so I said liek “Well it's a good thing cause liek I just unloaded on you and liek your defensive skillz suck.� So liek that was a mammoth nOOb mistake.

See, nOObs, here's a tip for ya: don't piss off teh administrator of teh server. Why you ask? Cause liek he's pretty much God.

So liek teh announcer then told me “You are now on teh Strogg team� and I was liek “WTF? I'm a Marine, nOOb.� So liek then I was horizontal and teh game told me liek I just got pwned by PRISON_SEX. And then he liek sent me a message “Ok dumbass, now I'm gonna pwn you prison style.�

So then liek I ran for my life cause liek I heard about prisons and all and I knew what that nOOb wanted to do to me. So liek yeah, he did it, over and over and over and over. And then liek he announced publicly that liek I was his ***** and liek that he pwned me. So liek that made me madderer and so liek after I pounded my fist on teh table and started shouting at him, liek I pwned him... and then liek I pwned him a second time! And so liek I figured once was a fluke but twice must mean I do have skillz and so liek I announced that he was my ***** now.

Ok, so liek nOObs, here's another tip: don't piss off teh administrator...twice! cause liek God's powers don't end at trading you, liek he can make everyone fight on his side.

So liek then teh whole server was nothing but Marines and I was liek teh only Strogg. So liek then I was permanently horizontal, liek I kept getting pwned teh second I would respawn and so liek my only option was to focus, get into the zone and show off my skillz and pwn everyone and show them all who was teh uber-gamer...or I could just disconnect.

nOObs, one last tip: RTFM, it'll keep you from becoming a total nOOb.

Frag out!

ESDF


Welcome back fellow noobs. Today I felt for the first time how it feels to pwn other gamers. That's right, me, the nOOb broke into double digit kills.

I know, you're shocked, as was I, but I swear it's true. Of course, it wasn't easy. It took a lot of swearing at the computer for it to realize who was in charge. But eventually I pwned other noobs and BOY DID IT FEEL GOOD. Mhuahahahahaha.

Like I said, it wasn't easy. At first I thought I was going to have to send an email to RavenSoft to complain about a bug in their Q4 software. What bug you ask? I kept getting stuck, I couldn't move forward or to my left, only back and to my right. Eventually I saved my self from an embarassing moment with a technician and realized my problem. Wouldn't want to be like my father who one time called Gateway's tech support because he thought his computer was broken when all he had to do was turn on the monitor. Ha! Total noob.

Any way, noobs, here's a tip for ya: ESDF gets you killed. WASD keeps you alive.

After I figured out the problem was between the keyboard and the chair and not the software, I began to pwn other noobs. (The adrenaline rush was amazing.) In fact, I shattered my all time high record in kills, seven, with twenty-nine! Unfortunately, the winner of the round had 105 kills. Eh, it's a start.


Frag out!

FPS Addiction

Hello fellow nOObs and welcome back. I've been away at FPS camp for the last ten days. And let me tell ya, days of getting pwned by 11 year olds is rough. The worst night was the first when one person from each "house" got hazed. So like nOObs here's a tip: rapid fire paintball guns from 30 feet in the hands of FPS nOObs are dangerous. I still cannot sit down without my tube.

The only bad part of FPS camp was the physical training. Fortuately I hit the gym the week before and got in some FPS training, so I was in better shape than most nOObs.

Now that I'm home I'm like all fired up and walking around the house with my mouse in hand at all times. Yeah, I developed that habit at FPS camp cause like everyone had to carry their mouse and if someone else took it from you like you totally lost FPS privelages for that day. Any way, my wife says I'm addicted to FPS games and I'm like "whateva you're just jealous cause like I got skills now."

So like because my wife pwns in Mortal Kombat and has developed these deadly skills and all she made me write this short list of ways how to tell a nOOb is addicted to FPS games. She like thinks this will help other nOObs' spouses see the signs and intervene before it's too late. Right, like a nOOb would choose a woman over Team Deathmatch.

Reason number three from my nOOb ass-kicking wife: nOOb jumps up and down and side to side thinking this will avoid the wife who's coming to tell him to take out the trash. Reason number two: nOOb goes to an FPS camp . And the final and number one reason you know your nOOb is addicted to FPS games is: nOOb shouts "BOOM CUM SHOT" during sex. Twice.

(There I wrote it you mean biatch now leave me alone...ouch sorry, I said sorry, OW OW OW) Gotta go nOObs, wife just ensured I'll never have kis.

Frag out!

FPS. Accept No Substitutes!

So like welcome back fellow nOObs. Over teh holiday weekend my friend Steve asked me to try something other than FPS games and I was like "Why the @%$# would I want to do that?" but like Steve can be very persuasive when he cries and so like here's what happened.

So we started with an RTS game and at first it sounded cool cause like I could make WMDs and destroy other nations but something didn't feel right and it wasn't before long that it hit me and so I asked Steve "So like when do I get in teh game and start blowing some heads off?" and he was like "never nOOb, you command others what to do". So I was like "So this is like a squad-based shooter then?" and he said "No, nOOb! It's an RTS, you never get into teh game and shoot, you only tell others where to go and they do all teh killing." So I was like "WTF! That's lame! I want to see heads exploding and the enemy pleading for their life" and so like that was just too unfulfilling and so we moved on to another genre.

So like then we started playing this MMORPG and I created a stealth-type character. It would like hide in teh shadows and only come out to prey on its victims, slicing them to pieces; yeah, he was one badass killing machine. And so anyway, I like had to give it a name and so I named it "Wood Jablome". Well playing as that character didn't last too long cause like after an hour or so some nOOb admin interrupted Jablome's killing spree to say that my character's name was offensive. And I was like "WTF?!? This game's got closet homos running around with their characters virtually naked and posing to be females when they're NOT and MY character is offensive?!" So like I had to comply cause like he's an admin and all and so I changed teh name to "Harry Caulk" and like I still was being offensive or something cause that nOOb admin wouldn't go away until I changed that name too. So like I told him and Steve to keep their stupid lame game and went back to fragging with my latest form of crack: QUAKE. Oh and nOObs here's a tip for ya: don't take cover behind red barrels...they're explosive.

So once I got back to fragging I felt much better. And I gotta tell you there's nothing quite like looking down teh barrel of a high powered assault riffle and watching your opponent's head blow off, splattering against the wall and watching it slide down.

Frag out!

A buff noob LOl Pwn an uber gamer pro like and stuff lol.

__________________
The beast in me Is caged by frail and fragile bars”

What you have come to realise is even when one is pro, under certain circumstances one can be a noob

You are now ready for the next level of training

__________________

Yea I had a vision the other night! Im now ready!